be humble.

"nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world." 

-francis p. church

alright, this post is kind of random and doesn't really fit perfectly with my "be humble" title but that's ok. i had to write a paper for a class on if i feel like an adult or not. i had a great time writing this (considering i put it ahead of two research papers that i haven't even started...and this isn't due until next wednesday) and i think it helped me realize where i'm at right now; it helped me be ok with it. 

They Made Me Grow Up A Little

There are times when I feel like an adult—when I buy my own groceries, when I go on a trip, or when I finish a big project for school. And then I take a look at my left hand ring finger. In that moment, my adult-like feelings are instantly overpowered by not feeling like an adult due to my marital status. Single. I know this is quite silly and I should get over it real soon because in a few years I will most definitely be an adult and that finger may still not have a ring on it. What will I do then? What is it about being married that would make me feel like an adult? I assume the actions of paying bills, being off my parents insurance, buying a car of my own, making dinner for my husband, not claiming myself as a dependent when doing taxes, and going to my own home—decorated and cleaned by yours truly—at the end of the day are what will make me feel like an adult. Having said all that, I think I still consider myself an adult. I just may not feel like one.

When I think of who I was right after graduating high school and who I am now, an almost college graduate, I am shocked at how much I’ve changed and how I’ve grown. I have had many experiences that I feel helped me mature, become more reliable, gain knowledge, and essentially learn how to be a “grown up”. I made new friends as a college freshman at SUU. Some I will have as friends for the rest of my life, and some were not making the best choices and I chose to not allow their influence in my life. During this time I had six guy friends get kicked out of the dorms for smoking weed. All were members of the church. My freshman year was a crucial time for me as I experienced little things like that all of the time. I had to make the decision of who I wanted to be—who I would be, regardless of the circumstance or the people I was with. These experiences made me grow up a little. As a resident assistant in the dorms at Southern Utah University I was put in charge of 26 girls, ages ranging from 17-24. I loved it a lot but I also dealt with situations I never dreamed of having to deal with. Each one made me grow up a little. I taught English in Bengbu, China to kindergartners (ages 3-7) and 2nd graders who knew little to no English, while knowing no Chinese myself. Six other teachers and I started the English program at that school and had to make sure all the correct foundations were laid for future teachers. Living with six other girls is hard enough. But living with six girls in a foreign country, in small rooms, needing to do everything with them all the time, and trying to compensate for certain personality traits including a lack of responsibility (in addition to a lack of cleaning) was extremely hard. I experienced independent traveling.  I realized the beauty of communication and how it can still happen when a language barrier is in the way.  Each experience I had while in China made me grow up a little. I learned what it was like to manage my time while I worked two jobs, started my last few years of college at Brigham Young University, held a calling in my ward and experienced continual personal testimony growth, stayed close to my family, and maintained a social life. Each balancing act I faced with my priorities and time made me grow up a little. I felt true heartache when a very serious relationship ended quite unexpectedly. I never wanted to feel that kind of hurt and despair but Heavenly Father used it to help me grow in unimaginable ways, some of which I still can’t see. Every aspect of getting over that relationship made me grow up a little.

Now I’m graduating college. I’m pushing through to the end and am trying to make every moment count because I know that one day I’ll miss this time of life. Over my college career I feel like I have experienced many things that have gotten me to where I am now. I may be moving back in with my parents for a little while, and I may not drive my own car yet, and I’m definitely not anywhere close to being married, but I still feel like an adult. I’ve experienced enough to make me grow up a little.

be daring.

"if you're looking for a big opportunity, seek out a big problem." -h. jackson brown, jr. 

in preparation for the upcoming general conference i have been thinking, praying, and fasting about the questions that i have right now and would like answered. i've tried to not only have questions but also ideas and plans already in mind. i'll  move forward with them and if the lord doesn't stop me then i'll know it's an ok path for right now. the problem is that i have only made small plans. i guess thats ok for right now--one day at a time, right?

i can hardly wait for this weekend and have a testimony of personal revelation in addition to church wide revelation received by our prophets and apostles. taking even a few minutes to prepare and ponder things before conference will enhance your experience immensely. elder holland (love him too much already) says it much better than i do. 

"general conference has something for you"

be real.

"the true harvest of my daily life is somewhat as intangible and indescribable as the tints of morning or evening. it is a little stardust caught, a segment of the rainbow which i have clutched." -henry david thoreau

16 school days until i graduate from college. when did this happen? i can't believe that a month from now i will be a college graduate. i can't describe my feelings about it all because it doesn't feel real. it's happening though. 16 days folks. 

be present.

"in life, there are no ordinary moments. most of us never really recognize the most significant moments of our lives when they're happening." -kathleen magee

conference weekend equals the best weekend. there is seriously nothing like it. while talking with a friend he asked how i enjoyed my weekend and i said there are few things that i like more than general conference. he then asked me what those few things were. i honestly had a little bit of a struggle coming up with them. obviously time with family and certain friends is absolutely wonderful and maybe a couple of musical moments would be up there as well, but conference weekend as a whole just has it all. family. food. relaxation. and most important modern revelation/guidance from our heavenly father. prayers were answered, personal revelation was received, reminders were given and i was given a spiritual boost to keep on keepin' on. i enjoyed the common theme of true discipleship and how we can work towards that. i really try each day to live in a way to have the spirit as a constant companion. we can receive so much from him-comfort, guidance, strength, answers, promptings, etc. i felt the impression to really do better at keeping a journal (which i thought was interesting because no one really talked about that specifically this conference) i know myself and know that if i try to keep a regular journal it only lasts about a week because it becomes too big of a task. so i decided i'll begin the habit by keeping a gratitude journal. by actively looking for the tender mercies the Lord blesses me with, i will notice more blessings from Him and will become even more grateful. i will begin by expressing gratitude for our prophet thomas s. monson and the twelve apostles. alright, basically i am grateful for all the leaders of the church. i'm grateful for the opportunity i had to listen and learn from them last weekend. this weekend there were no ordinary moments. "most of us never really recognize the most significant moments of our lives when they're happening." if anyone didn't get a chance to watch or listen to conference i'd encourage you to visit lds.org and do just that. don't miss out on the significant moments that took place that can be life changing.

be strong.

"we define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that has been done to us." -edward lewis

for some reason my body is physically acting different when i speak in public nowadays. this has never happened to me before but this semester i have been significantly more timid in class. whenever i man up and make a comment i feel my face get flushed, my body temperature rises about 10 degrees, and i start sweating for at least the next 5 minutes. why is this happening?? i'm not usually one who is shy or gets embarrassed. help! if i'm not careful i will become more and more like my dear friend eeyore here.

i am not sure why this is occurring but i have a feeling that this is not the only area of life where i have adopted a feeling of timidness. i have become somewhat fearful in general. i fear failure. i fear being lied to. i fear what the future brings. i fear what the future doesn't bring. i fear hard things. i fear rejection. i fear hurting someone. i fear getting hurt. i fear being alone. this is not good. fear and faith cannot coexist within us. i need to rid myself of these fears. i should not and will not define myself by what has been done to me to cause me to be fearful. by finding the best in my i will become who i want to be. finding gratitude for all things in my life will be one of the first steps i will take by replacing fear with faith. maybe once i'm successful with this i will stop getting flustered every time i open my mouth in public. be strong. 

be first.

"to achieve the impossible, it is precisely the unthinkable that must ne thought." -tom robbins

i have wanted to make a bucket list for some time now. i love hearing others lists and admire them for dreaming big (or just dreaming creatively and randomly. i know a lot of mine are silly but they're silly little dreams that are important to me). i think im slightly afraid of wanting something great. i don't know why but i want that to stop. i can do hard things. i can do great things. "you is kind, you is smart, you is important." here's to dreaming big and thinking the unthinkable...

bucket list.

learn how to french braid 

live in a foreign country

run another half marathon
write a song

take a photography class
learn (again) to play the guitar

backpack through europe

plant a garden
do a sprint triathlon
perform at an open mic night

married in the temple

sew a dress

new york trip in the fall primarily to see a ton of shows on broadway

go to every temple in utah

dye my hair dark brown...for a little while. i hear that blonde's have more fun. 

humanitarian trip to africa

go hot air ballooning

pay for a strangers meal at a restaurant

build my own home (alright, well design it at least)

be a successful business woman/mom and own a cafe-jam by cam

rock the pixie cut (post wedding of course)

serve a full time lds mission

and since i absolutely love fall and feel like sometimes i don't take advantage of this time of year i made a fall bucket list. two years ago i lived in china so i missed my utah fall. last year i was too in love to think about anything that wasn't 6'2" with blonde hair, blue eyes, dimples, and a freckle near his lips that made my knees go weak...neither china or that distracting male are in my life presently and i keep thinking about how i missed out on certain things during those two falls because of them. needless to say i'm not missing out on anything this year.

fall bucket list.

make my own pumpkin-spice-something-drink

go on a hike once leaves change

do a fall-themed craft (maybe i'll finally jump on board with pinterest)

rake leaves for a widow

carve a pumpkin

purchase a new scarf
go to frightmares or a haunted house

drive up the canyon

get donuts and hot cocoa on a chilly evening

make a pumpkin chiffon pie

perfect my butternut squash soup recipe

go to a soccer game

run a half marathon (ok this isn't really fall related but i put it on so i had to sign up for one this fall)

go camping

be ready.

"perhaps this very instant is your time." -louise bogan

a few things:
1) i realize i have a whole summer to catch up on and that will happen...just not right now. i wish i had the time tonight to recap the wonderful summer i just had, but i don't. 
2) my good friend chris and new friend jim helped me remind me of a few important things. i am grateful that people are put into our lives to help teach us what the lord knows we need to hear. jim tracey is a man i met at the jamestown assisted living center. i am going to visit with people there once a week for a class project and i can already tell that i will treasure the time i will spend with these wise, elderly people. jim reminded me that i am in control of my happiness. i am in control of those who i surround myself with, and if they aren't happy or don't make me happy then i need to change that. being happy is one of the greatest blessings and i think we can control it more than we realize. chris helped me see that i need to be stronger. i need to take control of life situations and realize that the "downs" and times that hurt are times of growth and development. i need to not stress so much and can accomplish this by setting long term goals and making future plans. friends are wonderful. they often seem to give the exact pick-me-up needed. i will remember these wise words of wisdom and will work on developing these qualities so i will be ready with whatever this time of life has to offer. perhaps this very instant is my time. 
3) chris also told me a few things that are on his bucket list and i was upset with myself for not having one. it is a goal of mine to have that posted shortly.