be present.

"in life, there are no ordinary moments. most of us never really recognize the most significant moments of our lives when they're happening." -kathleen magee

conference weekend equals the best weekend. there is seriously nothing like it. while talking with a friend he asked how i enjoyed my weekend and i said there are few things that i like more than general conference. he then asked me what those few things were. i honestly had a little bit of a struggle coming up with them. obviously time with family and certain friends is absolutely wonderful and maybe a couple of musical moments would be up there as well, but conference weekend as a whole just has it all. family. food. relaxation. and most important modern revelation/guidance from our heavenly father. prayers were answered, personal revelation was received, reminders were given and i was given a spiritual boost to keep on keepin' on. i enjoyed the common theme of true discipleship and how we can work towards that. i really try each day to live in a way to have the spirit as a constant companion. we can receive so much from him-comfort, guidance, strength, answers, promptings, etc. i felt the impression to really do better at keeping a journal (which i thought was interesting because no one really talked about that specifically this conference) i know myself and know that if i try to keep a regular journal it only lasts about a week because it becomes too big of a task. so i decided i'll begin the habit by keeping a gratitude journal. by actively looking for the tender mercies the Lord blesses me with, i will notice more blessings from Him and will become even more grateful. i will begin by expressing gratitude for our prophet thomas s. monson and the twelve apostles. alright, basically i am grateful for all the leaders of the church. i'm grateful for the opportunity i had to listen and learn from them last weekend. this weekend there were no ordinary moments. "most of us never really recognize the most significant moments of our lives when they're happening." if anyone didn't get a chance to watch or listen to conference i'd encourage you to visit lds.org and do just that. don't miss out on the significant moments that took place that can be life changing.

be strong.

"we define ourselves by the best that is in us, not the worst that has been done to us." -edward lewis

for some reason my body is physically acting different when i speak in public nowadays. this has never happened to me before but this semester i have been significantly more timid in class. whenever i man up and make a comment i feel my face get flushed, my body temperature rises about 10 degrees, and i start sweating for at least the next 5 minutes. why is this happening?? i'm not usually one who is shy or gets embarrassed. help! if i'm not careful i will become more and more like my dear friend eeyore here.

i am not sure why this is occurring but i have a feeling that this is not the only area of life where i have adopted a feeling of timidness. i have become somewhat fearful in general. i fear failure. i fear being lied to. i fear what the future brings. i fear what the future doesn't bring. i fear hard things. i fear rejection. i fear hurting someone. i fear getting hurt. i fear being alone. this is not good. fear and faith cannot coexist within us. i need to rid myself of these fears. i should not and will not define myself by what has been done to me to cause me to be fearful. by finding the best in my i will become who i want to be. finding gratitude for all things in my life will be one of the first steps i will take by replacing fear with faith. maybe once i'm successful with this i will stop getting flustered every time i open my mouth in public. be strong. 

be first.

"to achieve the impossible, it is precisely the unthinkable that must ne thought." -tom robbins

i have wanted to make a bucket list for some time now. i love hearing others lists and admire them for dreaming big (or just dreaming creatively and randomly. i know a lot of mine are silly but they're silly little dreams that are important to me). i think im slightly afraid of wanting something great. i don't know why but i want that to stop. i can do hard things. i can do great things. "you is kind, you is smart, you is important." here's to dreaming big and thinking the unthinkable...

bucket list.

learn how to french braid 

live in a foreign country

run another half marathon
write a song

take a photography class
learn (again) to play the guitar

backpack through europe

plant a garden
do a sprint triathlon
perform at an open mic night

married in the temple

sew a dress

new york trip in the fall primarily to see a ton of shows on broadway

go to every temple in utah

dye my hair dark brown...for a little while. i hear that blonde's have more fun. 

humanitarian trip to africa

go hot air ballooning

pay for a strangers meal at a restaurant

build my own home (alright, well design it at least)

be a successful business woman/mom and own a cafe-jam by cam

rock the pixie cut (post wedding of course)

serve a full time lds mission

and since i absolutely love fall and feel like sometimes i don't take advantage of this time of year i made a fall bucket list. two years ago i lived in china so i missed my utah fall. last year i was too in love to think about anything that wasn't 6'2" with blonde hair, blue eyes, dimples, and a freckle near his lips that made my knees go weak...neither china or that distracting male are in my life presently and i keep thinking about how i missed out on certain things during those two falls because of them. needless to say i'm not missing out on anything this year.

fall bucket list.

make my own pumpkin-spice-something-drink

go on a hike once leaves change

do a fall-themed craft (maybe i'll finally jump on board with pinterest)

rake leaves for a widow

carve a pumpkin

purchase a new scarf
go to frightmares or a haunted house

drive up the canyon

get donuts and hot cocoa on a chilly evening

make a pumpkin chiffon pie

perfect my butternut squash soup recipe

go to a soccer game

run a half marathon (ok this isn't really fall related but i put it on so i had to sign up for one this fall)

go camping

be ready.

"perhaps this very instant is your time." -louise bogan

a few things:
1) i realize i have a whole summer to catch up on and that will happen...just not right now. i wish i had the time tonight to recap the wonderful summer i just had, but i don't. 
2) my good friend chris and new friend jim helped me remind me of a few important things. i am grateful that people are put into our lives to help teach us what the lord knows we need to hear. jim tracey is a man i met at the jamestown assisted living center. i am going to visit with people there once a week for a class project and i can already tell that i will treasure the time i will spend with these wise, elderly people. jim reminded me that i am in control of my happiness. i am in control of those who i surround myself with, and if they aren't happy or don't make me happy then i need to change that. being happy is one of the greatest blessings and i think we can control it more than we realize. chris helped me see that i need to be stronger. i need to take control of life situations and realize that the "downs" and times that hurt are times of growth and development. i need to not stress so much and can accomplish this by setting long term goals and making future plans. friends are wonderful. they often seem to give the exact pick-me-up needed. i will remember these wise words of wisdom and will work on developing these qualities so i will be ready with whatever this time of life has to offer. perhaps this very instant is my time. 
3) chris also told me a few things that are on his bucket list and i was upset with myself for not having one. it is a goal of mine to have that posted shortly. 

be boundless.

"there are some people who live in a dream world, and there are some who face reality; and then there are those who turn one into the other."-douglas everett

i just wanted to give a shout out to my best brother in the whole world and my wonderful cousin, both who our serving our great country right now. today i have reflected on how blessed i am to live in america with the freedoms i have and why i am able to enjoy them. i enjoy them because of the hundreds and thousands of men and women who have been bringing to life the dreams of america through their unimaginable service and sacrifice. thank you so much scott and michael, and to all those who have served and are serving our country.  

we celebrated memorial day along with three birthdays at the hirschi's tonight. the food was to die for (i seriously ate like i hadn't eaten in a month. so worth it though.) the weather was absolutely perfect so we sat outside all evening and enjoyed watching the kids on the tramp (grandpa was on there too at one point-always a crowd pleaser), kaelin serenading us with the ukulele, a little dance concert/cries of freedom practice, and halle, jennie, and millie open their presents. it was a wonderful night filled with fun,food,&family.  

i wore this shirt in honor of my grandma blackham. i inherited it from her after she died. 

missing and thinking of you today grams! along with gramps and grandpa scott. so grateful for my testimony and knowledge that i will see you again. can't wait!

be proactive.

"whatever you are meant to do, move toward it and it will come to you." -gloria dunn


i'm not sure exactly what i am supposed to be doing right now with my life. the two things i know for sure are: i know i'm supposed to get an education-work in progress; and i know i'm supposed to keep the commandments to become more christ-like-work in progress. nothing in life feels complete right now--but that's alright. the fact is that life might not ever feel complete. it's all about the journey, not the destination, right? as long as i'm moving forward then whatever i am meant to do will come to me. this is how i moved forward this weekend.

-took a test-

-saw old friends-

-went to the temple-

-made a home cooked meal-

-spent quality time with my family-

-attempted to attend my nieces end-of-school dance programs-

-celebrated the engagement of the lovely mallory hales with our other jazz voices friends-

-ran (it's becoming an every other day thing. can't wait to have time to run everyday.)-

-talked with my friends who are gallivanting around italy- 

-attempted to be social in my new living environment-

-wrote my family newsletter entry-

-halfway completed a project-

-went grocery shopping-

-did some homework-

-read my scriptures-

-attended church-

all in all it's been a productive weekend. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing right now. but as long as i'm just doing something-just being something, then i'm doing alright. just be.

be moved.

"live to the point of tears." -albert camus


two shows that i have seen lately definitely moved me to tears and inspired me to keep living to the point of tears. i went to see the secret garden at the hale center (with the lovely jessie j) and oh my gosh. to say i was moved to the point of tears is a huge understatement. it was fantastic and it literally changed my life. i'm most likely going to go see it again. if anyone wants to join me, let me know. it runs at the hale center theater in orem until june 2 for anyone who is interested. go see it. you won't regret it. 

i also went to ingrid michaelson's concert and let me tell you, she is one talented lady. i cannot believe how much i'm in love with her music right now. i've been on an ingrid kick for a few months now. it seems like every song finds a place in my heart and i can relate to them all in one way or another. i'm so glad emmy was able to come with me. concerts have turned into our thing and i sure needed her that night, so it was great to be there together. i also loved seeing kirstyn afterwards and sharing stories with sadie from the concert. we're all such big fans. em and i forgot our id's so we weren't cool enough to be up on the balcony with kirst and her darling friends. next time. here's one of my favorite videos from the night. i highly recommend looking up others of hers. they won't disappoint. 

be hopeful.

"i haven't a clue as to how my story will end. but that's all right. when you set out on a journey and night covers the road, that's when you discover the stars." -nancy willard

life throws a mean curve ball at times. things happen that aren't in the plan and you just need to deal with it and go on. easier said than done? i think so. for some reason i have been dreading this post. ok i know the reason. but i still cant find the right words for it. a picture is worth a thousand words so i'll post some of those. i had a wonderful time with derek davis. it was so wonderful for a little while that it almost feels like it was a dream. ah see here i go... i just spent ten minutes trying to think about what to say next. words are too hard to find. eh, maybe i'll stick to  borrowing someone else's words to try and explain this curve ball that came at me. 

"the true meaning of being alive is not just to feel happy, but to experience the full range of human emotions." -deci and flaste

"adamantine: utterly unyielding or firm in attitude or opinion." -dictionary

"but i would rather feel the sting, than never to have felt a thing." -ingrid michaelson

"the most important principle of timing is to take the long view. mortality is just a small slice of eternity, but how we conduct ourselves here--what we become by our actions and desires...will shape our destiny for all eternity. anchor your life to eternal principles, and act upon those principles whatever the circumstances and whatever the actions of others. then you can await to the lord's timing and be sure of the outcome in eternity." -dallin h oaks.

i tell myself that it is ok to just be. well right now i don't know if that is enough. right now i know i need to be more than just present in the world. so i'm choosing to just be hopeful. hopeful for the future and the new "stars" that i will discover.  

be enchanted.

*disclaimer: this has been a draft since the beginning of january. a lot has changed but i still feel like i should post it. new posts filled with current details will soon follow.*

this "be" statement doesn't come from the book (no i'm still not finished doing a post with every "be" in the book... i've been blog slacking big time lately. the reasons for which will be said later in this post) but the word enchanted perfectly describes my life as of late.
i don't have a huge desire to go into detail about everything i've missed so i won't. i'll regret it later but that's ok.


thanksgiving
-enjoyed a great long break half in logan, half in provo
-did not enjoy my first day apart from mr. davis
-did the following traditions at my aunt kathie and uncle alfred's beautifully decorated home: ate dinner until tummy hurt yet still had room for pie, had a "santa clause" marathon, and went back the day after thanksgiving for leftovers

first half of december 
melanie, lucy, owen, and van made studying for finals nearly impossible by gracing us with their presence for two weeks.
activities of these weeks included the following:
*seeing a number of plays with derek
*watching owen dance along to "step in time" from mary poppins
*listening to christmas music 24/7
*running the 5k santa run with mel, ash, lucy, mikelle, and diesel
*an extreme.pj.sleepover.combined.birthday.party for lucy and ash
*going to see a christmas show written by dereks brother tj "12.25 a merry musical comedy" in logan (we enjoyed a delightful dinner at dereks home before. his mother is amazing.)
*letting owen borrow my phone at least four times a day to play my talking tom cat game.
*decorating gingerbread cookies party/part of our christmas eve program early while everyone was in town
*seriously the most minimal studying i've ever done for finals
*a plethora of choir concerts
*caught the last of the traditional cedar city girls christmas get together
*enjoyed a dinner (cut short by me unfortunately) with the girlies before cal moved to texas
*went to the eclipse concert with diesel


second half of december 
from the 16th to the 29th of december ash and i were able to be in florida with scott, anna, adi, and ayzie. it was so good to see them. they weren't able to come join us for last summers festivities so after much planning and waiting we finally made it to florida to see them. ash and i flew to orlando where we met scott and spent three glorious, enchanting days at the wizarding world of harry potter. ok so we didnt really spend three days straight at wwhp. we spent a good amount of time at orlando studios and island of adventure too. the rides were fantastic, the food was fast and expensive, mannheim steamroller did a free show while we were there, and it was just great to spend time with my sis and bro. harry potter world was for sure the coolest part though, and the entire reason why we went.
highlights:
-first seeing the castle while hearing the hp theme playing in the distance as we walked towards the [magical] wizarding world of harry potter.
-luna lovegood in the bathroom.
-butterbeer (i need to find the real recipe).
-dragon challenge ride, shortest lines always and for sure one of the best rides in the whole park.
-looking in all the window shops, they had so much detail i just wish they had more shops open to walk around in.
-seeing magic happen as the wand choose the wizard at ollivander's shop.
-trying to guess which movie the song that was currently playing was from.
-eating at the three broomsticks.
-hearing harry potter music all of the time.
-honeydukes.
-feeling like i was only a few feet away from dumbledore, harry, ron and hermione. love holograms.
-purchasing my own wand (a replica of luna lovegoods) and one for dies (a replica of viktor krums because he's the most manly man in harry potter).
-getting a picture in front of the hogwarts express.
-purchasing far too many souvenirs: 2 wands, a jacket, a hat, a necklace, a key chain, a griffindor quidditch jersey...
-seeing our friends from Beauxbatons academy and Durmstrang perform.
-sending postcards to our muggle families back home.
-drooling over the sweet robes, a legit marauders map, and other attire at the stores (one robe=100 big ones $$).
-i could go on and on. basically it was a wonderfully enchanting weekend at the wizarding world of harry potter. oh yeah and at universal studios. we had a lot of fun there too. the three of us definitely got in all the rides we could handle for those three days.

the rest of our time in florida was spent at scott and anna's home with two of the cutest girls on earth. it was so fun to see them in person (instead of via skype) and to see their personalities come to life even more. i love when ayzie would start shouting/singing "elbow elbow elbow..." (a song from little einstines) while sitting on the toilet. i loved watching adi dance her little heart out to just dance for kids. anna was our personal masseuse one night and gave ash and i neck and should massages. she's a saint and the best sister a girl could ask for. we loved visiting the lighthouse and of course the beach (christmas eve on the beach was a new experience for me this year). we loved going to the navy and airforce museum. we loved going shopping in _____ (my wallet didn't though. 5 pairs of sperry's later...) and visiting our cousins via our fish cousins in ________ tinley, jake and their adorable kids. we loved going to the mckaw bird house and feeding the birds. we loved watching all the cheesy hallmark christmas movies with anna. most importantly we just loved being with them. i will love the day when disapparating becomes possible for us muggles and we can visit our family members as often as we want because it will be free, quick, and simple, no matter how far away they live. thanks for a great christmas break scott and anna.

january (until now)

• the day after i got home from florida i went up to logan to be with derek and his family. you better bet i missed my handsome man while i was gone. we had never been apart more than a day and here we spent almost our entire christmas break apart from each other. but it was good for us though. we went skiing with tj, erin, tanner, carter, and hayden at snow basin. it was a blast. i hadn't been skiing in about ten years so i was definitely accompanying the young boys on the jr. mountain for a bit. after a couple hours on the little hill i decided i was ready to go down the big boy run with dies. we rode the gondola for quite some time and went much higher than i was expecting. after all, i had only been skiing at sundance which is a lot smaller than snow basin. we got off the lift and i started freaking out because i felt like i had to ski off a cliff. lets just say i made dies go ahead of me so i could take my time going zig zag the whole way down. it was a fun day filled with cute brave boys, numb toes, and warm cookies. 

• we spent new years in logan at erin and tj's with whit and jd. em and jeff stopped by for a minute because they were in town with jeff's family. i had a pretty bad headache (i'm pretty sure i've had some illness on new years for the last ten years...) so i don't remember much about midnight other than the kiss i got from my lover and lady gaga's outfit. 
• the new semester started way too soon but i am so excited about my new major, family life. my classes seem great and i think this will be a really good change.